Girlfriend calls out boyfriend for crying and shivering while recounting female coworker's work struggles, says it's 'absurd': 'Anyone with even a shred of self awareness knows that it's a notoriously sexist culture'

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JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Dec 20, 2025 10:00 AM EST

It's natural to get a little bit jealous sometimes, but should we keep that to ourselves?

When you're in a relationship, it's common to have feelings of envy arise. After all, if you love someone, you're going to be a little protective of them. But there's a difference between natural jealousy and trust issues. If you're a person who has a hard time believing the things that people tell you, then you might need to work on yourself. But it can be hard to know the difference between a real threat and a perceived one when you're going to react the same either way. 

It's also natural to be a little suspicious about the company your partner keeps. Ultimately, you should let them live their lives, but it's okay to keep your eye on a particular friendship if it's setting off a bunch of red flags. That's what happened in this story, but commenters were unsure whether her fears were based in reality or not. After her boyfriend came home crying about a coworker, she wasn't sure if she was overreacting by being offended. 

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  • A man with short hair cries to someone out of frame.
    via Umit

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • It's natural to form bonds with the people you work with, especially if you're teaming up against a common enemy. This pair of coworkers formed a close relationship when one of them was being overlooked and underestimated by her colleagues. But his girlfriend saw it as a threat. Read on to see what happened in this situation. 

  • Am I in the wrong for calling my bf absurd for being overly concerned about a coworker?

    I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for about two years. He works in tech. I do not, so I am only hearing this second hand. Recently he started talking about a woman he works with. He went on and on about how people at his company treat her unfairly and assume she is incompetent. He kept saying she is extremely smart and great to work with and that everyone else just "doesn't see it."
    via u/According-Let-2607
  • He then told me about a situation involving a code review. From what I understood, multiple people questioned or criticized her code, and according to him they were all wrong and she was right. He said later it was proven she had done the correct thing. While telling me this, he actually started crying. Like tears and shaking voice.
    via u/According-Let-2607
  • I honestly did not know how to react. It felt absurd. This is a tech company, there are multiple engineers reviewing code. It is really hard for me to believe that several people were all wrong and only he was right, especially when I am only hearing his version. It feels more likely that the situation was more nuanced than "everyone else assumed she was stupid."
    via u/According-Let-2607
  • I also found it concerning how emotionally invested he is in this woman's career. He talks about her like he is her personal defender. I get feeling bad if someone is treated unfairly, but crying over a coworker's code review feels excessive to me. It also does not help that this woman has a solid job in tech and probably makes more money than I do, so it is hard for me to see her as some helpless victim yet he says she should be leveled higher.
    via u/According-Let-2607
  • I told him that I thought he was being dramatic and that it made me uncomfortable how intensely he was reacting. I also said that if multiple people on his team questioned her work, they probably were not all acting out of bias and that maybe he is not seeing the full picture. He got very upset and accused me of being uncaring.
    via u/According-Let-2607
  • Now he is hurt and says I do not respect his values. I feel like he is projecting and getting way too emotionally involved with a coworker. AITA for not believing his take on the situation and being weirded out that he cried over it?
    via u/According-Let-2607
  • A man looks at a tablet with his head down
    via Alicia Christin Gerald

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Commenters came at it from different perspectives.

    Brown_Sedai YTA and all the votes painting you as justified are frankly unhinged. You don't work in tech, you don't know what the culture is like, but anyone with even a shred of self awareness knows that it's a notoriously sexist culture where women often have to prove
    via u/Brown_Sedai
  • themselves twice as good as anyone else, and get challenged and discriminated against for no good reason- as was proven in the situation described here. You're what... mad at your boyfriend for being upset at his coworker being treated badly and having empathy for her? Threatened that he is
    via u/Brown_Sedai
  • standing up for someone else because she's a woman and therefore he must have an ulterior motive, instead of just being a decent person? Trying to discredit her accomplishments and him, for recognizing her worth, because... " also does not help that this woman has a solid job in tech and probably makes more money than I do, so it is hard for me to see her as some helpless victim..."
    via u/Brown_Sedai
  • Ah, there it is. Get over your weird jealousy and internalized sexism, it's honestly kinda sad.
    via u/Brown_Sedai
  • Rich_Confusion3996 In tech it is hard for women to be taken seriously and men have been known to sabotage women because they don't want women in their workplace. It could be your bf is frustrated in seeing the truth of this playing out in front of him. Maybe by people he thought more of so it hurts to see that the good people around him isn't so good after all.
    via u/Rich_Confusion3996
  • Though I understand concern on your part for his emotional involvement with this coworker. I would keep an eye on it but at the same time it could just be he's compassionate. Be careful of being too judgmental about it though too because that could push him away if he thanks you lack compassion due to you siding with the Men at work by saying he shouldn't care at all. This could be a very delicate situation that could lead to trouble.
    via u/Rich_Confusion3996
  • I would suggest being a little more emotionally supported with him when he comes home upset. But also inform him that you do worry that he's concerning himself a little much in her problems. Maybe he should just go to HR and then back off a little?
    via u/Rich_Confusion3996
  • MarionberryOk2874 I think you're a touch jealous of her and it's getting in the way of your feelings. Like if you knew she really was being mistreated solely because she's a woman wouldn't you want a partner who would not stand for that? Who would be bothered by it? What if it was one of your girlfriends,
    via u/MarionberryOk2874
  • wouldn't you want him to stick up for her? My husband is like that and he's the last guy who would ever cheat, he's just a kind human who knows a lot of men suck. Why do you not trust your man here? Soft YTA
    via u/MarionberryOk2874
  • Distinct-Brilliant73 YTA. You don't know his field, how sexist it is. For all you know, this could be the first time he's witnessed such blatant misogyny. If you wanted to bring up the "absurdity" of the reaction, do it another time. And the fact you end your post saying that you find it hard to feel bad for her because of the money she probably makes??? Ick.
    via u/Distinct-Brilliant73
  • handtoglandwombat YTA you're being one of those people who can't handle men having emotions. Tech jobs are stressful. Something clearly got to your partner. He tried to talk to you about it and now you're using it against him. Stop making it about you.
    via u/handtoglandwombat
  • Yearly Depression This is a tough one without knowing the situation and about your boyfriend. Does he tear up easily? Is he the type to be fiercely defensive and protective of friends? You come across as very jealous in this post. And maybe you're right to be suspicious - I don't know. But this part makes you seem like a bit of an AH:
    via u/YearlyDepre*s*on
  • "It also does not help that this woman has a solid job in tech and probably makes more money than I do, so it is hard for me to see her as some helpless victim yet he says she should be leveled higher." That sort of jealousy is just unseemly.
    via u/YearlyDepre*s*on
  • If you think he has feelings for this woman, keep your eye on it. But don't dismiss or downplay how hard it can be for a woman in this field. There is so much sexism, and if your boyfriend is genuinely bothered by the injustice of it, that's a good thing.
    via u/YearlyDepre*s*on
  • ImaginationWild5999 This sort of thing absolutely happens in tech a lot. But his reaction is absolutely wild. Literal tears?? Sounds like something is going on there. with her like he's got an emotional attachment but the fact he cried over her signals more of a deeper mental health issue IMO.
    via u/ImaginationWild5999
  • moreKEYTAR To everyone saying NT A: ⚫ this situation is very . possible in tech, especially at companies with a boys club culture. How do I know? I am an engineer in tech. • Multiple people CAN act with a bias...that is how excluding women has worked since forever
    via u/moreKEYTAR
  • • It is really shitty behavior to tell your partner that they are "being dramatic" because they are crying. OP's response is remarkably toxic. She judges her partner for being emotionally affected by an unjust situation, which can be very intense.
    via u/moreKEYTAR
  • Imagine all of a sudden really truly SEEING injustice play out, where it doesn't matter what someone does because they are always wrong. They are always excluded or blamed or given "advice" that doesn't apply. Finally seeing racism, sexism, ablism...it can be a mind-fuck.
    via u/moreKEYTAR
  • OP is uncomfortable with her boyfriend's feelings, so I would mildly suggest that they are not compatible (also because as stated, OP is judging her bf with some old-fashioned toxic masculinity). Plus it seems like trust is an issue for OP and this situation is aggravating it. If you distrust your partner and cannot talk to them about it, what is even the point?
    via u/moreKEYTAR
  • OP, YTA. But that could be a N.A.H. if you talk to your bf and do some introspection to understand your reaction. Your boyfriend has good values- not sure for you.
    via u/moreKEYTAR7
  • RWBYsnow Yta. So many redittors jump straight to accusations of being in love or cheating ☺☺. Your boyfriend is kind and empathetic. You should be happy that he's being like this, not weirded out. And he was crying because she's been getting mistreated, not because of the code. You're jealous of her. Stop it.
    via u/RWBYsnow
  • _Wims_ Nah (but slight AH). Tech can be very sexist. I've encountered it myself, where my professional judgment, and the professional judgement of female coworkers, was questioned where male coworkers never had theirs questioned. Even if we were
    via u/_Wims_
  • actually more experienced and more confident in our jobs. I think perhaps the OP and some of the other commenters are not as knowledgeable about the way women can be treated in male dominated professions. And yes, there are men who do get invested in supporting and
    via u/_Wims_
  • defending us when we're being questioned and attacked based solely on our gender and not on our work. Because it's wildly unfair. Is it possible that there's something else going on? Sure. But there's a lot of jumping to conclusions in the comments right now, which I
    via u/_Wims_
  • find really disturbing. Do you people see cheating and affairs everywhere? That's a really terrible way to live. So give him a break, OP. Understand it's absolutely possible she's being attacked based solely on her gender, and he's just defending her. It feels like you're really overreacting to this situation, IMHO.
    via u/_Wims_
  • Taisiecat Don't be too quick to jump to conclusions. It sounds like he could be quite stressed or depressed which can produce much stronger reactions than might be normal. And tech can be a horribly sexist area to work. Maybe you should be more concerned about making sure he is OK.
    via u/Taisiecat

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relationship advice coworkers relationships coworker bestie jealousy Tech women vs men dating
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